We’re on a bit of a Batman marathon, a Batmarathon, if you will, here at LWOS Life. First we ranked the Jokers, then the movies, and now I’m doing something truly horrid. I’m dreamcasting the perfect Batman movie. With an unlimited budget, who should D.C. comics get to make the perfect Batman movie? Let’s discuss.
Dreamcasting the Perfect Batman Movie
Bruce Wayne- Michael Fassbender
This was a tough, tough pick, because… You have to be an amazing actor to pull this off.
You’ve gotta balance carefree playboy with tortured warrior with supernatural hero. It’s all in the eyes. Silly voice aside, Christian Bale absolutely destroyed this role. I mean, he absolutely killed it, and I really wanted to just put him back here.
Buuuuut that felt like cheating.
So I went with Michael Fassbender.
First of all, he just looks the part. He’s a strong guy, he can pull off all three of the things I mentioned. And secondly, and most importantly, he’s awesome. I mean, he’s the best part about the new X-Men movies. If anyone could step into a roll occupied by Ian freakin McKellen, and still impress people, they deserve the role.
Fun Fact- I actually really struggled to find anyone else because I originally thought he’d be a perfect Two-Face.
The Joker- Sam Rockwell
Recently, I actually wrote an article about which Joker I thought was the best, and when it came down to picking the big photo, I decided to choose a guy who never played the most infamous villain in comic book history.
Why Rockwell? Why not Rockwell? The guy is incredible.
Look at any of his performances. They haven’t always gotten the respect they deserved, but I’ve never seen him act poorly.
Sure, he’s been in some bad movies, like the Poltergeist remake or the adaptation of Hitchhikers Guide, but he’s still been phenomenal. In a return to the purple suit and green hair, Rockwell would give a loopy, terrifying performance that legitimate fans would love.
Alfred- John Cleese
Remember Batman: The Animated Series’ Alfred? Far removed from the father figure that Michael Caine and Michael Gough that we’ve seen in recent film adaptations, TAS’ Alfred was more of a sarcastic, witty sidekick than a father figure. Sure, he needs to love Bruce unconditionally and be stern occasionally, but he also needs to be able to loosely drop some hilarious one liners.
Who does hilarious one liners quite like the king of slapstick?
Catwoman- Eva Green
Does anyone just ooze sexuality quite like Eva Green?
She’s just got this presence. Sure, it doesn’t help that she’s stunning, and maybe has had a role or two where she decided that wearing anything was optional, but she’s also just phenomenal. She was able to carry that really dreadful 300 sequel, and as the dark knight’s frenemy with benefits, Eva is just purrfect.
Ra’s Al Ghul- Benedict Cumberbatch
Menacing, soft spoken, sinister, c’mon, you’ve gotta believe that with an unlimited budget, Benedict Cumberbatch gets this role. Sure, Liam Neeson absolutely owned this role in TDK trilogy, but I’m re-casting remember? Plus, a heated conversation between Fassbender’s Wayne and Cumberbatch’s Ghul?
Talk about intense.
It’s true that Cumberbatch isn’t Arabian, but neither was Neeson, and it’s not like they didn’t already whitewash Dr. Strange.
The Riddler- Michael C. Hall
One word. Gamer.
Have you seen that movie? The one about Gerard Butler and video games? Okay, okay, it wasn’t very good. And the idea of making Terry Crews an intimidating killing machine?
Sorry, there’s a scene where he’s beating a guy to death while singing “I’ve Got No Strings”, and I’m still laughing.
I’ll always associate him with that scene from White Chicks.
You know which one.
However, the highlight of the movie is easily the scene where Hall, the villain of the movie, sings Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” while his hypnotized minions attack Butler.
Sure, you see Hall and immediately think of Dexter, and that’s fine, because it shows you that he can be creepy and demented. But Hall giggling as two newscasters trash him on the air just screams Edward Nigma.
He could take the campy Jim Carrey Riddler and pump it full of legitimate emotion and power.
I really considered Neil Patrick Harris for this role, and I know he’s been dying to play it, but if Carrey was too campy, I can’t imagine Dr. Horrible bringing legitimacy to the character.
Still love me some Barney Stinson
Harvey Dent- Idris Elba
Before you flip out about race, first off, shame on you yo.
Secondly, this wouldn’t even be the first time that a black man has played Harvey Dent.
Remember Billy Dee Williams?
I’ll never forget you, Lando.
Let’s just let the damn cat out of the bag here, there’s never been a good cinematic performance of this character. Two-Face is supposed to be a charming, handsome politician with multiple personalities who is terribly disfigured.
So we got Tommy Lee Jones, a fantastic actor who didn’t look the part at all, and also, hey, didn’t get any character development.
We saw what happened to the Joker in Batman, we saw what happened to the Penguin in Batman Returns, we saw the Riddler’s entire life in Batman Forever, and ALL THREE VILLAINS got a story in Batman and Robin.
But somehow, between Returns and Forever, not only did Harvey have some pigment problems, he had some pigment problems. Not to mention, such a dark character should never have been forced to be a cartoon… which is ironic.
And then there was Aaron Eckhart’s disaster from The Dark Knight. While his Harvey Dent was fine, his Two-Face was forced, annoying, and frankly, not very intimidating. I understand that Nolan wanted to keep things real, so we didn’t get to have him play two different characters, but… he went from narcissistic politician to murderous sociopath because the Joker put on a nurses outfit.
Elba is handsome, charismatic, and has proven that he can play a darker, edgier character.
Luther and Beasts of No Nation, anyone?
Poison Ivy- Emma Stone
Poison Ivy is such a tough role to cast because as Pamela Isley, she’s a very shy, quirky yet passionate person. From a tortured house of abuse and mistreatment, she struggles to really fit in for most of her life, until she’s exposed to dangerous chemicals, transforming her into…
Well… You’ve seen her.
Stone is perfect because she can be both. It would be a real challenge to see if she could step away from the adorably awkward girl we’ve crushed on for the last few years, and play a very mature, very intoxicating femme fatale
Commissioner Gordon- Bryan Cranston
Talk about range.
I confess, Cranston actually came to mind because he’s already played the character.
Yup, he voiced the commish in Batman: Year One.
He’s an incredible actor who could play the exhausted, overwhelmed, and incorrigible face of justice on the cruel streets of Gotham.