A Conversation Between John Wick and His Therapist

John Wick needs to see a therapist, too. Probably even more so than the average person with a typical nine to five office job. He has quite the stressful profession, what with having to avenge the death of his beloved puppy and all that paperwork. You don’t just kill something that cute and get away with it.

John Wick Talks to His Therapist

On Love

Therapist: Who do you really love John?

John Wick: I love my dog. I loved my wife. I love the feeling of a person’s life leaving their body in my hands.

T: Let’s talk about that. Why do you love that feeling so much?

JW: I don’t feel anything else anymore. I guess you could say it is good just to feel something every now and again, even if the cost is a human’s life.

T: But you’re not craving that feeling right now, are you?

JW: *stares longingly out the window at a family of cranes* It’s hard to tell.

On Family

T: Do you see yourself ever having kids?

JW: I’m not sure. On one hand, I would love to have some miniature warriors running around the house and causing all sorts of havoc. On the other, I feel that I would have to kill so many people who bother them it would just sort of turn into a hassle. I would definitely have to murder Dora the Explorer and turn her little monkey friend, Boots, into a pair of fur boots to give to my dog.

On Work

T: How’s work?

JW: Work is work.

T: What does that mean?

JW: I suffocated a man with his fear of the past the other day. I assassinated this one couple having their 30th-anniversary dinner at a fancy French restaurant the other night. You could say that they were found “Maître dead.” I wouldn’t say that but I’m just saying that one could hypothetically do so if they were so inclined.

On the Past

T: How do you feel about the past?

JW: What do you mean?

T: When you reflect on your life, what kind of feelings come about?

JW: We used to take family vacations to the Jersey Shore. I would spend hours with my little sister and older brother getting lost and finding all sorts of trouble. One day, we found a washed-up body on the beach, under the boardwalk. We dressed up the corpse like Tommy Bahama and Weekend at Bernie’s him all the way back to the condo in a wheelchair. People were giving us tips because they thought we were assisting an elderly man find his way home. I think that’s when I developed my taste for carnage.

T: That’s pretty brutal. Is there anything else about your past that you would like to share with me?

JW: Whenever I was trick or treating on Halloween and there was a sign that said, “Take one candy, please”, I always took two, sometimes even three.

T: Have you asked for forgiveness?

On Leisure

T: What do you do for fun?

JW: I love going to baseball games.

T: Who’s your favorite player?

JW: Randy Johnson.

T: Why?

JW: That guy is more coldblooded than me. Did you see him murder that dove? He inspired me to get into the assassin game. The dude is a straight-up hero, a legend in executioner circles (which is the worst circle you could possibly stumble into at a party).

On Friends

T: Do you have a lot of friends?

JW: I have enough.

T: What does that mean?

JW: I got my dog, he’s the only friend I need.

T: What about humans?

JW: I’m comfortable with who I am.

T: What about the show Friends, do you ever watch that?

JW: Of course. I’m such a Ross.

T: Oh my god, stop it. You are such a Chandler.

JW: It’s fun because it’s New York and they share apartments in close quarters.


T: What’s your favorite TV show?

JW: I enjoy Entourage.

On New Adventures

T: Where do you see yourself five years down the road?

JW: I would like to be teaching a class at a college about how to be a successful professional assassin.

T: What would be the most important thing that you would teach your students in that class?

JW: Just go out there and have fun with it, you know.

Main Image Credit:

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.