Avengers: Infinity War – Which Avenger Are You?

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the avengers
<> at Scotiabank Theatre on April 24, 2018 in Toronto, Canada.

Everyone loves a hero. You know what they like even more than a hero? A superhero. Don’t worry, though, because Marvel has got you covered. They have got a whole squad of superheroes in their new blockbuster, Avengers: Infinity War. (Is it just me or does a blockbuster seem like a bad thing now that all their stores are gone? We should call it a Netflix.) Is that what you call a group of superheroes – a squad? It could be a squadron. It could be a murder (get it?). There could be a gaggle of Groots or a siege of Spider-Men.

Or a cackle. Did you know a cackle is what you call a group of hyenas? Like they are all laughing together, and it makes a cackling noise. Are hyenas funny or are the animals around them hilarious? Are they listening to Bert Kreischer’s podcast? Did they remember Michael trying to act professional but failing in The Office? I just watched the clip of Mufasa destroying the three hyenas from The Lion King. This movie was way too intense for kids – some call it the Schindler’s List of animal-based cartoon movies.

Without further Freddy Adu let’s get to the real stars of the show – the superheroes.

Which One of the Avengers Are You?

Tier One: Your Mom Knows These

Iron Man: You were once a teen heartthrob in the 80s. Your career was nearly derailed by your drug addiction. You enjoy shiny things and talking fast. You know how to rock a duster without looking like you are about to go full Columbine. You sound like the spokesperson for Hot Topic. Ozzy Osbourne thinks he is you.

Thor: You are a journeyman carpenter.

Hulk: You are in anger management. You are always changing from one year to the next like you cannot decide who you want to be. Sometimes you are a spindly Northeastern adult boy scout type while others you are a bearded Aussie. You used to be a buff New Yorker who was friends with Kevin James.

Tier Two: Your Mom Has Heard Of These

Captain America: You are Donald Trump (Haven’t you seen his business card?)

Black Widow: Guys want to be with you and girls want to see you mess up. You are also a Korean American billiards player who appeared on the Sklar Brothers’ ESPN show Cheap Seats.

Dr. Strange: You are a highly trained professional. You do not text. You are very popular worldwide. You are also Sherlock Holmes.

Tier Three: Your Mom Needs To Google These

Groot: You have short-term amnesia, so you are always repeating yourself. You are a tree-hugging Ecofreak. You are voiced by Mark Sinclair, who lives his life a quarter mile at a time. (What does he mean when he says this? Does he live his life fast or slow? Is he bragging? I honestly don’t know. A quarter mile at a time seems like a pretty reasonable rate to experience life.)

Spider-Man: You look more like a Spider-Boy. Your life is a web of lies. You enjoy eating insects and upside down make out sessions. You were in the Facebook movie.

Black Panther: You are an icon of progress. You are not afraid to think outside the box. You raised your fist on the podium at the 1968 Summer Olympics.

Tier Four: Your Mom Needs To Go

War Machine: You are often confused with Iron Man.

The Collector: You are the new Most Interesting Man in the World. Most British people think you are Antonio Banderas. In 90s crime movies you talk like you have fluoride in your mouth at the dentist (bubblegum flavor, of course).

Eitri the Dwarf King: You are a nerd legend. Girls want to be with you (partially to cross off an item on their bucket list but mostly because you are a celebrity) and guys still don’t want to be you. Your name seems offensive.

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