Everyone’s favorite Hallmark Holiday is right around the corner. You’ve got a week left to figure out whether you’re doing gifts this year. If, like me, you lack the necessary funds for fancy dinners and sparkly things and the necessary skills for thoughtful handmade gifts – figuring out the perfect something to get your special someone can be tricky. Enter, Build-A-Bear.
Though traditionally seen as a children’s gift, ‘Build-A-Bear After Dark’ is here to remind us all that adults also love a good stuffed animal. Especially one that’s dressed in pants and a robe. They recently announced their new adult-focused range via a risqué Facebook post boasting “red-hot gift ideas…that are sure to get you hugged.” The bears are only available to purchase online in the age-restricted area of the website known as the Bear Cave. Though I’m slightly disappointed I can’t go into my local store to stuff my own, it’s probably for the best given the number of children in those stores and my propensity for explicit jokes.
Build-A-Bear 101
Now, while this all seems far too horny to be about teddy bears, the actual product range is fairly PG-13. The animals range from traditionally romantic ones like bears, bunnies, and puppies to slightly more exotic choices like lions and frogs. But the accessories are where this line truly comes into its own.
Do you want a rabbit in a leather skirt and heels waving a bottle of “Cabearnet”? Or maybe you want a bear in devil’s horns, complete with cape and pitchfork? There are suave tuxedos and an abundance of novelty t-shirts boasting kitchy wine-mom sayings like ‘Rosé over Roses’ or ‘It’s Wine O’Clock Somewhere’. As expected from Build-A-Bear, every plushie is fully customizable, so whether you choose to dress your bear in pajamas or clad them only in silken briefs and a champagne flute is up to you. You can even add custom scents or record personalized voice messages – though you can keep the contents of those to yourself, please and thank you.
While many people are justifiably confused about the sexy overtones of the advertising, the general reaction to the collection online has been a mixed bag, to say the least. For every comment laughing along with a joke or well-crafted meme, there is one for claiming damages done to their childhood or lamenting that we’ve “been in quarantine for too long”. Personally, I don’t think they went far enough – if you want to make spicy bears, then make spicy bears. Give me teddies in lace and tiny fluffy handcuffs. The whole thing is behind an age wall anyway!
A bear for everyone
If the suggestive ones are just too much for you, the Bear Cave has much more to offer. They’ve collaborated with everyone from Disney and Warner Bros to Swarovski Crystals and the Van Gogh Museum to produce a whole world of options for the stuffed animal-loving adult in your life. While there are smatterings of Lord of The Rings & Marvel, Harry Potter dominates the site. There are endless clothing choices for each of the four houses, house animals, brooms, and even a Hedwig! Baby Yoda propaganda fills the small amount of Star Wars options available, though there are some nods to Boba Fett and Ahsoka Tano.
While endless arguments can be made for ignoring Valentine’s Day as merely a product of capitalism and “not a real holiday”, since we don’t even get a day off work or anything, there’s nothing people love more than harmless naughty fun. So go on, buy that horny teddy bear for the basic bitch in your life. You know you want to.
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