The Rock is a man of passion. He does not mess around with small talk – he gets right down to the action. If The Rock was a mode of transportation he would be a helicopter: loud, dangerous and used to aid people in natural disasters. He also requires his own landing pad, otherwise known as The Rock Bachelor Pad. The Rock is one of those perma-bachelors like Mark Wahlberg in Ted even though he has a girlfriend and children. The Rock can’t be tied down; if he was in an old timey skit and a guy with a mustache and overalls tried to tie him down to railroad tracks with some ropes he would break the rope with his Blue Steel look. He fought the monsters of Rampage last week. These are some other video games he could take down.
The Rock Versus Video Games
Level One: Piece Of Cake
Pac-Man: Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde, the ghosts, will be Stinky, Slinky, Twinkie and Hide when they see The Rock, otherwise known as Kinky, strut into the maze of doom. Ms. Pac-Man will be wishing she was Ms. The Rock.
Space Invaders: These aliens will turn around and run the other way when The Rock and his laser cannon show up in this galaxy. His gun will probably be pretty impressive, too.
Donkey Kong: The Rock will make Donkey Kong look like Dinky Kong. The Rock has thrown more barrels at donkeys before breakfast than you will in your entire life. Except the barrels are full of protein bars, medicine balls and branches of kale. Branches of Kale is also my favorite Fountains of Wayne cover band. My favorite song by them is “Bok Choy’s Mom” off the album Welcome Interplate Managers. Wayne Federman is also my favorite Fountains of Wayne cover comic. Wayne Federman is also my favorite Pistol Pete Maravich historian. Pistol Pete Maravich historian is also my favorite job title in the game Clue. Pistol Pete is also The Rock’s nickname for his laser cannon.
Level Two: You Sunk My Battleship
Frogger: The Rock will win this game by default. Any driver who is not wise enough to steer their vehicle out of the way of The Rock deserves to be crushed by his arm shadow. The Rock would eat this frog for breakfast. The Rock doesn’t have to tell frogs what to do, they should already know based on his tone, facial expression and harsh history with frogs.
Pong: The Rock will defeat this game through sheer wit. There is no move in this game that can be made without a countermove being offered by The Rock. The Rock didn’t read the playbook to Pong. The Rock wrote the playbook to Pong. The Rock also wrote the playbook to Ping, a similar game invented by the brother of the inventor of Pong.
Madden: The Rock will eat John Madden’s Turducken for lunch. Turducken doesn’t stand a chance compared to Salamayobacon, The Rock’s delicious invention that is spreading around American cafeterias like a movie featuring The Rock.
Halo: The Rock has an advantage in this game because the main character’s design is actually based on him. Y’all a bunch a frag grenades and The Rock was born a plasma. The first thing he did in this world was stick the doctor in the face after passing through the birth canal of Mrs. The Rock.
Level Three: When Does The Game Begin?
FIFA: Zinedine Zidane will attempt to headbutt The Rock but his head will explode into a million little pieces, all petrified of making eye contact with The Rock. The Rock will tell Zidane that he is the bravest bald man, that his hair follicles were too frightened to share a space with him so they gave themselves a red card and deserted his real estate for greener pastures. They will regale the bald Frenchman with lore of The Rock with hair, an already powerful force made nearly unstoppable with his luscious mane. The Rock doesn’t have to earn the advantage; he was born with it. After sticking the doctor in the face with a plasma grenade after passing through the birth canal of Mrs. The Rock, the doctor announced that he had earned the advantage.
Tetris: These blocks know better than to try some funny business with The Rock. If they are smart they will simply fall into line and follow the example of their ancestor blocks who had the privilege of being told where to go by The Rock. The last one who did that turned into the box from Se7en. It was downright atroc1ous.
Grand Theft Auto San Andreas: The Rock will destroy the maker of this game for stealing the name of his movie that came out 11 years later. The Rock is such a positive influence for the citizens of San Andreas in this game. He helped a man go from being a pimp to a PhD. A woman went from stripping to pay the bills to flipping houses for cold hard cash. No one has turned more sex workers into dental hygienists than The Rock.
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