Longing for a person that I doubt I’d ever meet again. The desire to see them is painful and I’m uncertain. Letting go was painful. I often asked myself how unfair is it? I’m angry that you left. Why did you? Had I done certain things differently, would you have stayed? What should I miss about you the most?
Some days I get sad, other days I try hard not to think about them. But is there really a way to get out of this? To forget the person and move on? Can I rely on the timing, to help me bear the pain and tears I hold every night?
We Never Get Over It
It kept clinging onto me. A feeling of numbness and emptiness that won’t go away. The meaninglessness of everyday events. An everyday struggle to eat, sleep, or wash the dirty dishes right in front of me.
The ‘shoulds‘ that kept telling me that I’m supposed to no longer feel all the emotions. The anger. The emptiness. The pain. It starts with judging ourselves on how “I should” be feeling about this particular individual.
I convinced myself; If I hate it hard enough, one day I’ll succeed in letting them go. But, the sole act of letting go, was asking more from me. I wanted to hate it. Why do I still feel this way? I should be feeling better comparatively. Waking up every day, being annoyed at myself.
But pushing it away, ignoring it, thinking it is processed, only led me to realize you still haven’t left me. I’d spend hours distracting myself with various sources, loud music, wrong people, unhealthy food, and loneliness. What was I thinking? Now that you see me happy, you’d finally leave? That hindered me from processing my own emotions.
We never truly love, if we try to avoid loss. Yet powerfully and mysteriously, knowing both love and loss, is what brings us deeply alive ~ Megan Divine
The Felt Love in Letting Go
Letting go is often a series of adjustments. The flexibility to dump out how we should be feeling. Redefining who we are, without them. A rhythm of sorrow and peace. A love that we only find in loss.
They say we experience pleasure in suffering our own loss. We find calm in pain, and pain in what we enjoy. I decided to explore both sorrow and peace, not separately, but together.
A felt absence of someone, involved a deeper presence that is waiting to be processed. The visit and revisit of the person we loved, their memories, the moment we spent together, feels like a wave of the ocean. One that hits us, and leaves us, at any second, while we’re busy in our lives.
According to Dr. Lois Tonkin, a grief and loss specialist; Our Life grows around them. It gets bigger. We won’t get over it. We can’t flip it around. Neither does it go away. But with time, we learn to grow around our loss. We keep on adding new experiences. On a day-to-day basis. Slowly they all connect and grow your life greater than what that one person had given you.
Letting go of the person may never take place. But, I have won the battle, for no longer can they dominate my little inner world. Instead of pushing them away, I chose to feel them still. While I was busy. At work. In the kitchen. Reading a favorite book.
With time, you learn to let them be. Because only in their absence, could you make space for new beginnings. New stories. And new people waiting to seek you.
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